Shame is a word that developed from a physical gesture, and therapists will benefit from thinking very closely about this.
The Etymological Record
Following “Shame” back through time send us on the following journey:
- English (shame, 1500 CE–Present)
- German (Scham, 1500 CE–Present)
- Dutch (schaamte, 1500 CE–Present)
- Swedish (skam, c. 1500 CE–Present)
- Old Frisian (scome, c.1100–1550 CE)
- Old Norse (skömm, c. 800–1300 CE)
- Old Saxon (scama, c. 800–1200 CE)
- Old English (sceamu, c. 450–1150 CE)
- Old High German (scama, c. 750–1050 CE)
- Proto-Germanic (skamō, c. 500 BCE–200 CE)
- Proto-Indo-European (PIE) (*skem-, from *kem- “to cover;” covering oneself being a common expression of shame. c. 4500 BCE and 2500 BCE)
If we push to the very, very present moment, then we may even be able to draw a straight line from *kem- to 🤦.
In A Philosophy of Shame, Frédéric Gros looks at the transition of “shame” into the Modern Era, sourcing the following insight from Balzac:
On the threshold of the lair of the moneylender Gobseck, the symbol of the new civilisation in the eponymous Balzac novella, the message is ‘Abandon all sense of shame all ye who enter here.’ This is the doorway to the modern, liberal and capitalist state. [...] Communities are organised around a public body of laws (the state), commercial transactions (capitalism) and the interplay of individual freedoms (liberalism). In the process, shame gets a makeover, becoming less clan-based and more bourgeois, less dramatic and more transactional, less ritual and more psychological.
Combining Gros and the etymological record, I’ve developed the following ideas about how the modern, liberal, and capitalist shame links back to the act of covering the face, and, at the same time, how that linkage can help therapy-seekers who are mired in shame and its close (but distinct!) relative, guilt.
Sketch of Shame’s Social Work
We cover our faces to hide and withdraw. Hide from whom? Others, as in our tribe or society. Shame is thus linked to being-with and being-seen.
Whereas guilt arises from the knowledge that I have chosen to act in a way that is incongruent with my beliefs/morals or those of my culture, shame is not directly linked to an action I have undertaken. Shame is, rather, a revelation of something I either am or that I seem to be.
Shame emerges less from the Subject or from one’s agency and more from the individual’s objective existence within the field of the Other’s gaze. Ultimately, Shame is one’s state as object, thing.
This object or thing is not purely objective. This is an object that has been reduced, stripped of subjectivity, removed from any subject position and located within an abject and ob-scene (offstage) space. More than an attribute of identity, shame becomes one’s authentic identity as a stripped Subject.
Spinoza, briefly
In one way, these ideas break with Spinoza. In another way, they push Spinoza’s ideas to an extreme. Spinoza was one of only a few philosophers to treat and to return to shame in his writings, specifically Ethics (1677), and Short Treatise on God, Man, and His Well-Being (c. 1660).
Ethics, Part III, §30:
If anyone has done something which he imagines affects others with Joy, he will be affected with Joy accompanied by the idea of himself as cause. [...] On the other hand, if he has done something which he imagines affects others with Sadness, he will be affected with Sadness accompanied by the idea of himself as cause.
Scholium: Since Joy accompanied by the idea of an internal cause is called Self-Esteem (acquiescentia in se ipso), the Sadness opposed to it is called Shame. [...] if the person imagines that he is blamed by others.
I part with Spinoza on two fronts. First, I think, here, he is more closely describing guilt than he is shame. Second, he attributes what he calls shame to the recognition that “I” am the cause of another’s sadness. When I start to read between the lines, however, I find points of alignments. For example, shame co-exists with the imagined state of being blamed. This proposal shows what I call shame’s social work, the way it only works on us (and I’m thinking etymologically of the connection between work and drama) because we exist (and only exist) with others. Spinoza inches toward a similar understanding in Ethics, Part IV, §58: “Praise and Blame (and thus Pride and Shame) are passive affects born of imagination.” The Active-Passive duality is important here. We are agents who act and beings whom are acted upon. Too often we neglect the latter or frame it as a pejorative weakness.
Similarly, we can read between the lines of Part II, Chapter 12 of the Short Treatise:
Shame (Skaamte) is a species of sadness born from an apprehension that we have fallen short of the opinion or expectation of others... It is a passion of an unfree mind, yet useful as a temporary constraint upon licentiousness.
Leaving aside the moral rectitude of Spinoza for now, I deduce that the shamed one’s mind is “unfree” because it is bound up in the imagination, specifically in the imagination that he is blameworthy. To free the mind from these binds, Spinoza might suggest that we square our imagination with our reason, which reveals the becoming of life and existence. Once revealed, we learn that we have more opportunities to produce Joy. Shame has not stultified us entirely in reality. We still have the power to act rightly. Nevertheless, the imagined state of being blamed is an immediate registration of trans-individual relationality, and this is something that requires us to take imagination seriously.
Shame in (Dramaturgical) Therapy
It is not enough for therapists to play the part of Reason and remind those who feel shame that they are merely frozen by their imagination. There is, instead, an opportunity to conduct those saddled with shame from their perceived status as wholly de-subjectivated abject objects back into dynamic relation with others. Right here and now in the therapeutic encounter, relationality is transpiring. One’s imagined status as thing, rendered inert by others’ condemnation and blame, is already transforming into a rich vulnerability that springs from Spinozan passivity. That one has been rendered inert in this way entails that one is in relation to others, and, as such, has the ability to act again, albeit with a different dramaturgy.
Coming from the Greek words “work” and “action,” dramaturgy functions here as a speculative en-scening. To move from ob-scene object of shame back into the scene where it is possible to act once more, one needs to review the dramaturgy that led to the imagined objectification and that can lead back to the active position. That position won’t reign supreme forever, nor should it. If a person’s power comes from Doing and Being Done To, then the purpose of a therapeutic dramaturgy (dramaturgical therapy?) is to re-frame the scale of the scene. One’s life does not end at the shameful event, though it may very well feel that way. Therapists ought to encourage living vulnerably in this wounded way, a way that shows one’s ability to be done to (well).
Coda: Face Palm
Now we can read 🤦 closely.
When we find ourselves present at a role-call, we use our hands to signify our bodily position in the moment. Raised hand = I am—all of me is—here. The face palm emoji shows us an reversed raised hand covering the face, suggesting not an erasure of a person’s presence but a nullifying of one’s Self. Face palm = I am’n't here. In other words, I’m here, but I’m crossed out, de-subjectified.
Intriguingly, the same emoji works the other way, too. When somebody else does something that might be shameful, I could say, “I can’t look!” This polysemous exclamation connotes a desire to disappear, to lose one’s sight so as not to have to exist in relation to the shameful event. Of course, though I cover my eyes, I am still here. In both cases—I am here and I can’t look!—the imagination dominates the encounter. Like a child who plays hide-and-seek not by running to find a hiding place but by covering their own eyes as if to become invisible, the executor of the face palm imagines complete erasure and withdrawal from social being.
Shame indexes a complex relational event through which one’s Subjectivity and one’s feeling of one’s Self shows its necessary entanglement with others. In this way, Shame is a pivotal event in one’s life. We need to see and feel how deeply awkward and at-times painful it is to exist with others and to exist as always in relation to another. Therapists might start thinking not about how to rid one of shame but, rather, how to break the news that shame reveals the true core of social life, and, as such, that living conscious of that truth can lead to substantive social change.